Happy Birthday ....

Happy birthday, Sweetheart. Couldn’t help but to feel sad last night. My heart just longed to hold you. How can I explain that I still miss you after all these years? Easy. You are still a very part of me. Will always be. You changed my life in so many ways. I started a new job just about three months ago and give it my all. You know I am passionate in all I do. I love helping others but most of all I love putting a smile on their faces. Reaching out and just being kind makes me happy. Sometimes I am intensely aware that you are near me. I love that. The thought of us being together someday brings peace to my heart. I love you. Love Mommy.

A new year

A fresh start. I need a fresh start and I am working on it. So much has happened inside me and believe me when the ‘time’ is right I am sharing it right here.

Anger, frustration and on top of it feeling depressed most of the time… Yes I have been terribly depressed too. I am saying “have been” because I am getting better. I of all people should know better – I always reach out to those around me give advice here and there but was unable to help myself.

So once I have my feelings on paper I want your two cents. Seriously. Talk soon.

The word is heavy…

I feel really, really heavy this morning. Heavily pregnant with a truck load of mixed emotions. This morning we took mum to the airport. Instead of tears I felt numb. Maybe it was because I am so used to suppress my true feelings. Why? Why do I do this to myself? I ask myself that question many times. Anyway amongst other reasons I do this not to upset my darling husband. He can’t handle it when I cry. I am writing this hoping it will make me feel better.

Mom’s visit did not turn out the way we all hoped it to be. Her ‘illness’ had a lot to do with it. In a way I feel we both didn’t appreciate each other. I so wanted to spoil her with little things but I couldn’t get myself to do it. I feel so sorry for her. Honestly. I couldn’t get myself to go in her room. When I did I felt sick. I wanted to throw up! Deep in my heart I know I might not ever see her again. It is just as if reality struck me then. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty but I do! Blood is thicker than water. I so wish for her to be happy and healthy. She deserves it. Everybody does. I wanted to tell her that although we don’t see eye to eye that I still love her and that she will always be my mother. God knows.

I am beginning to feel like a hollow log… Am I beating myself up over what could have been? Ugh I feel lost! I need to find myself. Why is it that when I feel suffocated by feelings that I want to go home? I just want to give up on life itself? Has anyone had the same experience over and over again… as well?

How am I going to face that room? Her perfume still hangs around. I feel her there. It reminds me of many years ago. How do you face these things without cracking up inside? Please say a little prayer for me today. Thank you.

Some more insight after the storm

May I start by just saying what sparked last nights fight. JJ and I had a different opinion about an incident that happened with one of the neighbours. We didn’t fight but disagreed on how it should be resolved. Mum then just jumped in from another angle accusing me of handling the so called incident “aggressively” and all of a sudden I am aggressive in all I do and say … I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

This morning when I woke up, I was angry. Anger is a symptom of hurt, I know. My husband worked late in his study room and ‘surprisingly’ wasn’t upset with me. (I mean after the lies she had told him about me and my life so far. As if he knows nothing about me. Just for the record: I have no skeletons in my closet) We got up early as usual and went for our morning walk. Our time to share and talk about whatever’s in our hearts and minds. When he started talking about last night I interrupted him and told him not to even expect me to apologise to my mother. I am not going to, not now not ever. She has always forced her ways on me and she doesn’t have that power anymore. She did that when I was little but still tries to get away with it. Even with the small things like how I should wear my hear and what I should dress… rah rah rah.

She is indeed a tortured spirit. I tried (many times) to help her and to be precise: for the last eighteen years. I felt compassion towards her but right now I pity her. Let me try and tell it all in a nutshell.

She knew before she even married my step father that he had an alcohol problem and that he was a psychopath. He was a kind and super intelligent human being WHEN he was sober. He was a professor at University and a well respected one too. He had a very dark side which revealed itself when he took one glass of whiskey. He would start by having one glass of whiskey before lunch go to uni and finish the bottle from 4pm. During the evening he would start his verbal abuse. Sometimes that could even carry on till early morning. Even being a little girl I knew that that was the lowest a person could go. He always started by telling her she has a placebo brain and then he would go below the belt…

It was so bad that I couldn’t wait to get out of the house. Three days after my year 12 exam I moved out, got a job and started working. I could have gone to study anything my heart desired (for FREE) but I couldn’t bear the thought of living in a monsters house. (I was only in boarding school till year 10) There was a time mum left him but he would go after her begging and the empty promises lured her back.

We had a game farm too, so after he semi retired they moved there permanently. They had to improve their lifestyle there which meant the house was rebuilt while they lived in a caravan. This is where the vicious cycle continued - she worked like a slave to escape his abuse. She would fix about everything in and around the house, help build a stone wall with a servant they had …. I could go on and on. My stepdad couldn’t do anything with his hands – he was all brain. Nothing wrong with that. Instead of getting professionals to do these jobs, mum did it. She had to cook all meals on an open fire -no electricity or gas stoves, not even phones. She even started a huge veggie garden.

Mum has had 4 back surgeries and 3 neck surgeries of which the last one was a total failure. She has a steel plate in front of her neck which causes her terrible discomfort. She has since seen numerous specialists and everybody tells her it is too risky to remove it. Although not unbearable she endures a lot of pain some days. Where does the psychosomatic illness come in? Well it started many years ago. She has been abused for so long and she started ‘enjoying’ the sympathy she got from some family and friends. One minute she would complain about having a sore neck and when you address it she would then say she thinks her lungs are going to give in. only hours after she would say she thinks her heart is going to fail because of ‘high blood pressure’ … Many things go ‘wrong’ in a single day. All in the mind. She would sit here and complain about how awful she feels only to be up and about the next moment we are out shopping.

What does one have to expect if you think and talk negatively all day?

I remember how she tied to manipulate me when we were living together. After I got divorced from the father of all my children I made the biggest mistake by moving in with her. She sold the game farm and bought ‘me’ a beautiful house. (I say me because it was registered in here name) She would ‘mother’ me and my children. When I went out to visit friends for a day, she would be ‘gravely ill’ when I return. I always asked her why she didn’t call the ambulance if she thought she was going to die. Why wait for me to return only to take her to the ER? We would get there only to hear she is fine. This happened many times.

Eventually I got fed up and moved out. That is where the small rift between us got bigger.

Before I moved out I confronted her in a loving way about her so called illness. Her girlfriend was there together with her husband. I wanted them there so she could not go and spread lies about me. She always ran to her family. Her sisters. They are dear people but by now I am not sure what they think of me. Don’t care anyway ‘because I know the TRUTH. I told her straight forward that if she continues to pretend to be violently ill, the day would come when she really needs an ambulance – won’t take it seriously and she might die.

She needs help! Of all the doctors she has seen not one of them has the guts to say to her she needs a mental health check up. Maybe they just love the money they get from her or maybe she hides all those symptoms cleverly?

I have told the family and they agree her illness is psychosomatic BUT it’s because of all the abuse and hard work. Yeah but what do we do about it? NOTHING.

If I tell her she will twist and turn it so she looks like the victim. I have told her before (many times) that when doctors can’t help we need to look further. We have to remember that we are first and foremost SPIRITUAL beings. We have to treat the spirit and it will manifest in the body.

There is so much more and I am getting tired of typing. So what has happened this morning? JJ is off to see his clients and I cleaned the house, did the laundry and moved in front of my pc… All I got from her this morning was a forced “G’morning” and a dirty look… I saw her writing post cards then putting them in envelopes. Letters to the family?

Her original plan was to go home on November 12^th…. I’m praying it will be much sooner. Am I willing to talk to her? Sure, but it stops the minute she starts yelling or talking to me as if I am 11 years old. Only time will tell what will happen next. I’ll let the dust settle and go as I am guided.

This post shouldn’t even be on my baby’s blog. It’s like polluting something pure.

I need a bandaid...

It is out of pure desperation that I do this post... secretly hoping no one would read it. I just have to vent! God knows! Most of my life I tried to be so strong, to put up a face! It all boils down to control! I hate being out of control... it makes one feel useless! That is the last thing I EVER want to be. I am so sick of pretending everything is fine. It's not! I am under so much stress and I feel so depressed at the same time! Yeah such is life, I know! Sometimes it just gets too much! Tonight is one of those nights.... I miss him!!!! I miss him so much that I want to be with him. Right now! My life is miserable! Just when I thought things are really working out in my life something stirs it. Is this a pity party? Maybe but I have to say what's in my heart.

I have never really been close to my mom. Yeah I know in My Story she did break the sad news in a wonderful way and I am grateful for that. But other than that the world revolved around her. Her unhappy childhood and the fact that she has been verbally abused, in the worst way may I add, by my step father. For twenty three long years! She kept up with it! His death more than ten years ago ended it. Why do I have to pay for her misfortune? She chose to stay with him all those years. She had all the help in the world to get rid of him - meaning divorce... but she didn't. He left her psychosomatically sick....aaargh it drives me nuts! She came for a visit which I thought was going to do her the world of good. Just the opposite happened.

We had such a fight tonight and she blames all her misery on me! All the stress etc in her life she says was because of me... Don't worry I don't take that on. She is in a vicious cycle of self destruction and to my opinion her own worst enemy. I did everything to help her ease her pain but she prefers to be the matyr . She accused me of silly things which I think is too childish to mention. I am beyond hurt. Is it a sin to say I feel nothing but pity for her? Am I being to hard?

I am so over everything! Why can't I just go home? My children are big enough to make a good life here without me. Look I am not being suicidal. I am just over life here on earth. I want to cry my heart in pieces but the tears is all stuck in my throat! I am so dissapointed! She always belittles me when I least expect it. Look, I felt the rejection long before I was even born. According to a family member she didn't even wanted children but to please my dad she had me. When they got divorced (when I was barely five years old) she let me live with him. He insisted. He loved me deeply.

To make a long story short, we sort of patched things up. She wanted me back and when she got me back she married my step father and sent me to boarding school! I hated her for doing that. I was barely 9 years old and I had to do my own laundry... I remembered how hungry I was on weekends when everybody else had gone home. Too painful to get into. I want to go home.

Where I am loved and cared forever. Unconditionally.

She is homesick and when she said (weeks ago) she wanted to go home we had to show her the tickets for André Rieu's show. I thought she is going to do wagon wheels but instead she just said we should't have bought it in these tough times... I was totally shocked and didn't expect such a reaction because she adores André Rieu.

To top the cake she even told my husband lies. Oh and she dug deep! That's right when she leaves she must just remember to take the knife in my back with her. I am not bitter. I am so sad. I were so happy to be a million miles away from her and the family but how am I going to manage the rest of her holiday?

She is such an unhappy person. She choose to be. She is always negative. She talks negative and bags others she doesn't even know. You can't watch any program or movie with her because you'll hear everything about the actors' looks, etc I even tried to cheer her up with a funny movie the other day but she made me stop it halfway through, saying it's not funny.

Because of her 'illness' I made an appointment with a qualified massage therapist - a wonderful session of 1½ hours! Hmm the 'happiness' only lasted a couple of hours.

How am I going to get through this night? I know I shouldn't be offended. But I am. I know what the truth is. I am just so very tired of this crap. I don't deserve it. I want to go home. My heart is there anyway.

Prayer Request

This request is long overdue. Fellow DBM’s please take time to pray for Jen Jen who has been hospitalized for the last 10 weeks of her pregnancy. Jen Jen is a mommy to an Angel baby, Lily Angeline (http://lilyangelinesmommy.blogspot.com/) now expecting a miracle baby boy: Cooper. Please pray and trust our Lord for Jen to maintain a healthy uterus so Cooper may be born full term and super healthy. Read about her journey at http://asurpriserainbow.blogspot.com/ and don’t forget to encourage her daily by leaving your comments. Bless you all.

Being honest

It wasn’t too long after I have said goodbye to my angel baby that I began to think about having another. How he will look like and most importantly, how he would fill the horrible emptiness inside me. I know I was horrified when someone said right after he died I should go ahead and have another, but maybe they were right. Maybe I could ‘replace’ him. Call me selfish. I agree with Holli (http://lifewithoutbrenna.blogspot.com ) there were times when I pitied myself. I felt like an empty shell. Worse: A cracked one. I thought that having another boy would soothe my wound and make it heal. How wrong could I have been! When Marlize was born I was happy, honestly, but it didn’t do anything for the hole in my heart. Even after Vanessa was born you know I fell in a deep hole of depression. Yeah there were other factors contributing to it too. When my son was born afterwards I must admit the wound started to heal. Please don’t ever think that I love my girls less! I adore them.( I always wanted a boy and a girl. Now I have both of each.) Over time I started to have a peace in my heart that I could not explain.

I still had my days where I missed him and yes, I still do. I soon realized that his place in my heart could never be filled by another. Having three others and especially a boy afterwards shifted my focus. Instead of having that heavy sadness in me I moved on to another ‘level’. Reaching another level I hear you ask. Well, it’s just my way of conveying what I experienced. Just as much as I love each of my children in a different way, they have their own special place in my heart….

I just wonder how other DBM’s cope losing a baby after they had other living children? What makes it ‘better’ for them? God knows, if I didn’t have any children after losing Johan, my life would have been meaningless. So how do other momma’s and siblings cope when their youngest dies? Which scenario is the worst? I once asked Katherine (http://expectanthearts.blogspot.com/) that same question. I don’t think one ever stop missing them. Not in this live time.

Regrets

Don’t we all have them? When I read the post on JenJen’s blog ’22 weeks”(http://lilyangelinesmommy.blogspot.com/ ) I couldn’t help myself thinking back… You know, it seems like all DBM’s* experience the same feelings, thoughts etc, sometimes just in a different way. Just for how long did I punish myself having regrets about a lot of things I could have done differently? The answer is for many, many years. It wouldn’t have changed the outcome. I think in most cases we were all in a state of shock, or denial perhaps? Could that be why we have regrets? None of us think the unthinkable when we are/were pregnant. All of us are too excited and in awe just thinking that there is a little miracle growing in us. We have baby showers, buy the cutest clothes, not even mentioning preparing the nursery in the finest detail…

If and I say, if I could have gone back in time I would have held him most of the time. Showered, smothered and drowned him in my love. Told him how much I love him, all the time. He was a winner. The first sperm to reach mommy's egg. He was a little fighter. He was a little miracle… with a broken heart. He was his mommy’s apple of her eye, the core of my heart – her long awaited Gift from God.

The question is, would I have then be more prepared to let him go? My heart goes out to each of you. Love

* Dead baby momma's